:: The Lexus Chronicles ::

A Story of Misfortune and Incompetence
(Not a Party Political Broadcast for RBS Insurance and their Subsidiaries)

:: Introduction ::

Those of you who have been reading the diary regularly will already know this story. To summarise though, the sequence of events is:
stupid git skates off an icy corner and scrapes his car along a fence;
insurance company takes car off to their "approved centre" (which to later transpires, they also own);
car is returned with faults;
car is inspected by an "independent engineer", who, it transpires, is based at the "approved centre";
approved centre has 3 more attempts at fixing car;
insurance company and garage lose interest;
insurance company and garage rediscover interest after I write to the chief executive;

car is rectified for 4th time;
it's still not right;
I give up trying.

If you are insured with any RBS company (Directline, Churchill or Privilege) or are thinking about it, or if you are tempted to use the RBS-owned body "specialists" UK Assist, then read on...

:: Wednesday, February 1, 2012 ::

Slight misfortune this evening. I have to go out to a meeting for work. 2 miles from the house at 6.30 pm in a temperature of minus 3, I stack the Lexus into a post and wire field fence on a bend on a slippy road. You know how it is. I manage to avoid going through the fence, but scrape along it on the driver's side, and manage to dent every panel.

Nobody hurt though, a quick phone call to the cops so that they can track down the field owner, and I'm on my way.

:: Monday, February 6, 2012 ::

You do the decent thing and phone the police because you’ve damaged a farmer’s fence and you don’t know who owns it. They say they don’t know either, I need to find out. Meantime, they ask me to take my documents in, as a matter of routine… I can’t find the MOT – I know it’s got one, so do they, they can see on their computer, but no, they have to see the bit of paper. If I can’t find it or get a duplicate, I’ll get done for failing to produce. No wonder people just drive off into the night…

:: Sunday, February 12, 2012 ::

The car was collected on Tuesday and taken away to the car hospital, who phoned on Wednesday with a list of work required, and an estimated cost. They are my insurer's preferred garage though so they sort it out between themselves, I get the car back at the start of March, which is 4 weeks away. I get a free hire car for 2 weeks, so that leaves me for 2 weeks carless. I have 3 options: 1. pay for a hire car myself for 2 weeks; 2. insure a TVR for business use; or 3. borrow a car for a couple of weeks. There's a fourth option which is to not go anywhere by car for 2 weeks, I suppose. We'll see, but option 2 holds a certain appeal - I could use the TVR more often just to prevent if sitting. They don't like just sitting.

Also on Tuesday, I picked up the hire car - a Vauxhall Corsa 1.2 eco. I don't know if I can handle the power.

I got a duplicate MOT and visited the cop-shop so that's all sorted.

So that's the end of the news summary!

:: Monday, March 12, 2012 ::

After a week of excuses, The Lexus was re-scheduled for delivery today. Except that when I phone in the morning, they say that it won't be ready, so it'll be tomorrow. They will phone at 4.00 with a time.

The 4.00 call says "it won't be ready tomorrow either, it'll be Wednesday, we'll phone at 5.00 tomorrow with a time." I am not happy. I explain that I have put off various meetings etc pending return of the car, and I won't be available to collect it on Wednesday, and I need the car for those meetings. This is now the 4th date they have given me. I need the car by lunch time tomorrow, end of chat. They promise to phone at 9am. I'm not hopeful though.

:: Tuesday, March 13, 2012 ::

I get another phone call telling me that the Lexus won't be ready today either, but will be delivered back here tomorrow morning. This is not exactly helpful because I have to be somewhere else, in it, by 11.00. So we'll see...

:: Saturday, March 17, 2012 ::

Well despite my scepticism, the Lexus was here by 8.30 on Wednesday. Pity about the huge waxy patch on the nearside door (not the side they fixed). They did send a man out on Thursday though, so it's sorted now.

:: Friday, April 13, 2012 ::

The car went away on Tuesday for some remedial work after the crash repair - mainly that the driver's door went "boing" every time you shut it - honestly, the other three shut with a "quality thud" but this one was like a 2CV that had been stripped out for racing. It was driving me bonkers.

Anyway, with the Lexus duly delivered today, and quality-tested (it's much better. probably liveable-with, but still not right) I then have to return the hire car. It's a brand new 1 litre Nissan Micra that I did 240 miles in yesterday, and you know what? It's not too bad at all! 47 mpg is a bonus, it's reasonably comfy, the heater works and it bowls along no problem. One downside is that overtakes have to be planned two bends in advance, and then aborted if there's something - anything - coming the other way between you and the horizon. My experience of a 850cc NSU Prinz from 35 years ago makes this a breeze, a hoot even. The other, and main, downside is that it has absolutely no feel whatsoever in corners, and you can't compensate for that unless you drive like a complete tit.

:: Monday, June 11, 2012 ::

Tomorrow I have the garage coming back to collect the Lexus to try to get the paintwork right this time.

I am also being chased by desperately ill-informed ambulance-chasing parasites (also known as accident management companies) who phone to ask if I have any injuries as a result of the accident, that might require a claim against the person responsible. Seeing as that person was me, and I have no injuries anyway, it doesn't take long to explain politely that their services will not be required. Their persistence however exceeds my politeness, and the term "ambulance- chasing parasites" soon slips into the conversation, at which point they realise that perhaps I am not likely to be persuaded.

The second company that phones me today gets a fast-forward past politeness, straight to the parasite stage. They don't hang about on the phone for long either, after that.

:: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 ::

I had to hang around again until they came and collected the Lexus to take it back to the bodyshop.

The man jumped out of the lorry with a marker pen. He said it was to mark where the defects were. I said he'd be better with a wallpaper brush and some ink. The "defect" is everywhere - the car is swirly, the new paint is orange peely, a bit of the headlining has come loose, and the door still doesn't shut right. He puts the marker pen away and writes down what I tell him.

Poor guy - I tell him that I realise that he's the poor sod at the front line who has to listen to me moaning, but he promises to take back to his manager that I'm not happy.

After he's written all this down, he gives me the form to sign, backed by a cardboard folder. I pick it up off the boot and hold it against my arm to sign, and then hand it back. He puts it back on the boot. At this point I tell him that I would never put a cardboard folder down on my own car to write in it, and certainly not on a customer's car, and especially not if I worked for a body and paint shop, and definitely not if the cardboard folder had staples through it. He looks sheepish and says it was only the once. I tell him that so far he's put it down to write, on both sides of the bonnet, one side of the roof, and the centre of the boot. He looks even more sheepish.

I do catch a glimpse inside the folder, of the email that has been sent to them from my insurer, and their own internal email from the manager to the bodyshop which says "we had better get this right". I decide to add to their concern by saying that when I get the car back, I'll be taking it to my own bodyshop man (3rd generation of a 100-year-old family business) for his opinion. He writes that down as well. This time with the cardboard folder against the flatbed of his lorry. He's learning.

Then I had to hang about some more while I waited for a replacement car to be delivered. That was about 2 hours later (so at least I got some work done as well).

:: Friday, June 15, 2012 ::

The Lexus repairer called today (note that this isn't my Lexus garage, this is the repairer chosen by my insurer). They say that the car is repaired, and is awaiting inspection, and will be delivered early next week.

:: Monday, June 18, 2012 ::

The garage calls about the Lexus and says that the car is ready and awaiting an inspection “this afternoon”, with an assurance that they will call tomorrow.

While I am listening to that message (I have heard their pish before, and am recording their messages) I receive another call from someone else at the same garage, telling me that the car isn’t finished, and is being polished. Something not quite consistent there. Useless pricks.

:: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 ::

Late in the afternoon, I get fed up waiting for them to call me, so I call in the afternoon. They say the car is being polished and will be ready for inspection tomorrow and delivered on Thursday. So they have gone no further forwards since yesterday, and backwards since Friday. Useless pricks.

I explain that I am going on holiday on Thursday, so either I get my car back or they can hire me another decent one. They say it would be delivered tomorrow.

:: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 ::

Bright and early, the Lexus car turns up on a lorry. As soon as the lorry turns the corner outside my window, I see that the paintwork is rubbish: it's covered in swirl marks. To be fair, by the time the lorry has turned around and parked, it's clear that the swirl marks are only on the side that wasn’t painted, but they are also apparent on the bonnet and the drivers side (although not to the extent that they were). The paint is still orange-peely in places.

To add to the fun, there's a new vertical scratch on the nearside front wing, between the wheel arch and the door mirror.

I note this on the form the lorry driver gave me to sign. I also note, as soon as I get into the car, that the driver’s door trim is detached along the whole of its rear edge, and moves when you pull the door closed. I add that to the form.

So let's recap. The door now shuts properly. The headlining is fixed. That’s 2 faults sorted out of 4.

Unfortunately, the new scratch and the loose door trim takes us back to 4 faults. So I am no further forward.

I phone the insurance assessor who came out to look at the car and persuaded me to give the garage another chance. He also told me the car would be inspected by him and the garage manager before it was returned to me. It soon becomes apparent that this hasn't happened, and that only Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have signed off the car, so far.

I try to phone the insurance company customer service, but they aren't answering the phone. Useless pricks.

The garage does call, full of apologies, but I tell them of the inconsistencies in their previous updates, so I am not inclined to believe them.

So here I am, still waiting for somebody to tell me what they are going to do about this mess.

:: Wednesday, June 27, 2012 ::

I've now had the Lexus back for a week, and despite trying several times, I haven't been able to speak to the man at Privilege who is supposedly dealing with my complaint. I was promised on Monday that he would call yesterday, but that didn't happen either. I was discussing this with my son last night, and he did a little bit of research and came up with a couple of nuggets.

I have had a couple of phone calls from the garage though - the first of them was really apologetic and for a minute I actually thought that I was speaking to somebody who knew what they were talking about. They said they would send a man out this morning to look at the car again.

Just before he arrives, the man from Privilege finally calls, with many assurances about their commitment to customer care etc. I point out that they said that before, but their engineer couldn't even be bothered to look at the car last time, like he promised he would. When he says that was an unfortunate one-off, I ask him about the FSA's fine of £2.17 Million in January, imposed on UK Insurance Ltd (the RBS holding company for Direct Line, Churchill and Privilege) for not only failing to deal with customer complaints, but for altering or removing papers from over half of the files they submitted to the FSA investigators, to hide their failings. I ask him if he thinks that the FSA might be interested to hear that they haven't learned from that previous punishment.

He seems to understand what I am talking about. At least now we're talking sense, not platitudes.

Then the man from the garage arrives. He's the same guy who was here the first time, and he seems to be sincerely apologetic. Rather worryingly though, he doesn't seem to know exactly what my complaint is. Well, he does now.

:: Friday, June 29, 2012 ::

The garage phones about the Lexus. They say that the necessary parts are now in stock, so they can book the car in. I ask them what parts they mean, and it turns out there aren't any (I knew that). I tell them that once again, they aren't filling me with confidence that they actually know what they are doing. I tell them to leave it because I want the car inspected independently before they get their hands on it again. Useless pricks.

:: Thursday, July 5, 2012 ::

I finally cracked and phoned up Privilege and asked them why nobody had been in touch for over a week. "Oh has nobody called you?" they said. "We were going to arrange another inspection." Aye, I knew that, thanks...

I ask them which department deals with complaints about the complaints department. They can't compute that.

After I have explained that if they do not have a procedure to escalate complaints to a higher level, I have thought of one myself, and they might not like it, they get a bit more focussed. 10 minutes later, I get a call and we arrange a re-inspection for Wednesday.

There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

:: Wednesday, July 11, 2012 ::

Well the man from Privilege Insurance (that’s who he said he was, so we’ll call him that for now, until his secret identity is revealed) arrived today to inspect the Lexus. Unfortunately it’s pishing rain, so inspection of swirl marks and orange peel isn’t easy, so we stand in the garage and he takes my word for it that it’s the same as it was last time he looked at it (because it’s the same “man from Privilege”.

He asks me to email him my letter on 20 June, so that he understands what my concerns are, and says he’ll email me when he gets back to his office so that I have his address. And he does.

Unfortunately, his email address is the same as the garage repairer, not Privilege, So his “independence” might not be all that I was led to believe it was. So when I send him the letter, I also point out that the relationships here are all a wee bit too cosy, which does not appear to me to be in the best interests of the customer.

I tell him that I would prefer that the same garage completes the repair properly, and then there is no argument in the event of future problems. However, they have had more than enough opportunities to put this right, and have amply demonstrated their inability to do so, so I am considering exercising my right, even at this late stage, to have the car repaired properly by a garage of my choice.

I tell him that before I make up my mind, I wish to escalate my complaint, to ensure that whatever happens next, takes proper account of my concerns. Their complaints department has also let me down.

So I forward the whole lot to the Chief Executive of RBS's insurance division, who, no doubt, has better things to do than deal with the inconvenience of disgruntled customers, but it appears that I have no alternative.

:: Thursday, July 12, 2012 ::

Oh no what have I done?

It would appear that my email to the Chief Exec has stirred Privilege into action. Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

First I get a call from Privilege Customer Relations (the girl who told me on Thursday that they had no procedure to escalate complaints). She is on the phone for ages, going through my letter from 2 weeks ago, sentence by sentence, to make sure that they understand what I am now happy with, and what I'm not.

Then I get a phone call from the garage, apologising and telling me that they would like one more chance. I let them grovel a bit, we book the car in for next Tuesday, and they promise to get their manager to call me when he returns from holiday on Tuesday, before they start work.

Then I get another phone call from the Chief Exec's department, who goes through the letter again, and says she'll be phoning the garage, the complaints department and the "independent" engineer to make sure that they all get it right next time.

We'll see.

But at least, for the first time, they seem to be interested in trying, rather than adopting the "blind man doing a Rubik cube" technique. (Clickety-click, is that it? Clickety click, is that it?)

:: Friday, July 13, 2012 ::

The nice lady from the Chief Executive's department called me back in the morning, as promised. She has spoken to the garage, and apparently their excuse for not seeing the swirl marks was "if it's only obvious in sunlight then we wouldn't see it in our garage, or when we inspect it outside if it's not sunny".

She gathers from my derisory guffaw that I might not be affording that excuse the credibility they thought it deserved. I suggest that, being a big approved bodyshop and all, staffed by fully-trained painters and polishers with all the latest equipment, they might want to invest in something I use when I'm polishing cars in my windowless sparsely lit garage - something new and exciting called "a bright light". Even a little bright artificial light (the LED on the back of my phone, for example) shows up shyte polishing techniques, even if it's not sunny.

She understands straight away, and says she'll go back to the garage and tell them my response. She's got her teeth into this - I wouldn't like to take an opened paypacket home to this one. I'm glad she seems to be on my side.

Somebody pointed out that I haven't named the offending garage so far. That's because if I keep using the word "UK Assistance" all over the place, then a search engine indexing "UK Assistance" might pick it up, and then within a few days of indexing, anybody googling for "UK Assistance" might be directed here, as well as to the UK Assistance web site, because it would detect that UK Assistance was mentioned several times, and that would place it further up the search rankings, and that obviously wouldn't be any good to anybody searching for the UK Assistance web site. So I've tried not to mention UK Assistance to avoid any possibility of potential UK Assistance customers being misdirected here, just because UK Assistance is mentioned often.

Another problem for google searchers can be web links. You see, if a particular web site links to other web sites that mention, say, UK Assistance, then that also would place that web site further up the rankings for anybody searching for UK Assistance. So for example, just for the sake of demonstration, if I was to have links to :

this site at Money Saving Expert

or this one here

or this one here, which is talking about the very garage dealing with my car

then the search engines would think that this site had something to do with UK Assistance because it had so many links to them. So I'd better not post too many links to other sites mentioning UK Assistance, or mention UK Assistance myself too often, because that wouldn't be at all helpful to people looking for the UK Assistance web site, would it?

Note - I would urge you NOT to look at the sites linked to above, because:
(a) if people click on the links and follow them, that only convinces the search engines that those links are important. so this site looks even more relevant to people looking for UK Assistance, and
(b) those linked web sites might give completely the wrong impression of UK Assistance, who I am sure can get it right sometimes.

There now, nobody can say that wasn't balanced.

:: Monday, July 16, 2012 ::

The Lexus is going back to the garage tomorrow (the one that I had better not name), but nobody has called with arrangements for a replacement car. Last time, they forgot and only arranged it at the last minute when I asked them. I was hoping for a bit more attention this time, but maybe I was wrong... it's too late now to do anything about it today, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

:: Tuesday, July 17, 2012 ::

Well the saga of the Lexus continues and today didn't start well. I call up the car hire company to ask what time my replacement car will be delivered. They have no record of a car hired in my name or in the name of UK Assistance (oops did I say that out loud again?). I try to sound surprised, but fail miserably.

So... I decide not to call the garage, I get back on to the Chief Exec's department. She goes mental. She says she will call the garage, using phrases like "boot some backsides" and "fire a rocket up them" which, although not entirely professional, I find somehow to be reassuring.

5 minutes later I get a call from the car hire company - car to be delivered today, they'll pick me up after my own car is collected.

5 minutes after that, the lady at the Chief Exec's department calls again - she's still not happy, they promised her the world last Friday and they haven't delivered. I make the point that if this is the very best customer service they can do, when they are under pressure to be on their very best behaviour, it doesn't say much for their normal standards. She says the manager has explained that it's a one-off. I tell her that a very brief internet search suggests otherwise, and that after my experiences, if they told me that today is Tuesday, and even if I already thought it was Tuesday, I would still check the calendar.

So eventually, they turn up and collect the car. He complains that it's mucky so he can't photograph the condition. I explain that's because I haven't washed it so that they can't blame me for for scratching it or swirling it when cleaning it. Touche.

So off he goes. 20 minutes after that, the hire company arrive to pick me up. When I get there, they have upgraded me to a Nissan Qashqai diesel. And it's very nice, too. After a bit of a potter about, I get home, go down the shops, the stuff you do. Then I fill it with diesel because I'll be doing about 150 miles tomorrow and about 90 on Thursday. £55 that costs me.

As I leave the garage, the engine management warning light comes on. Nope, it's definitely diesel (there's a big sticker on the fuel flap for the hard of understanding). When I get home, I switch it off and on again. Now there are two engine lights, one is red, one is orange. According to the manual, one is the engine management warning light, the other is the engine management indicator light. Switch off and on again, this time only the orange one stays on.

Whatever the difference between them is, the manual says "don't drive the bloody thing, take it to a dealer or you'll invalidate the warranty". So I phone the rental company. It's 4.30 pm. They'll see what they can do.

I need to be 70 miles from here first thing tomorrow, for work. Again, I'm not hopeful, but they do ring back to say that they have tracked down another car but can't deliver it tonight, it'll be 7.30 am tomorrow. A bit last-minute but if they stick to the plan I can live with it.

The garage also call me to say that they think they should have the Lexus sorted this week, and will call on Thursday. We'll see.

:: Tuesday, July 17, 2012 (Supplementary!) ::

I was speaking to my son tonight, and he says that he has heard of a number of Nissan diesels where the engine management light comes on if you put supermarket diesel in. He says that people he knows have just ignored it and it's been fine. A search online confirms that it's not unusual. He hasn't seen it himself though. Well he has now! This fault came up 100 yards after I had filled up at Morrisons, so that probably explains it.

There's no warning on the car about diesel quality - it just says "diesel". My last Lexus had a label warning to only use low-sulphur diesel (although all diesel sold in the UK supposedly complied) but this Nissan says nothing.

I hope it's not knackered - it's brand new and had only done 6 miles in total when I picked it up at lunchtime...

:: Wednesday, July 18, 2012 ::

The man turned up from the Car Hire company at 7.30am. All they have managed to scrape together is a BMW 330D M-Sport in resale metallic grey. It'll have to do. I do 170 miles in it today, and it's very nice!

At least now I'm getting the test drive I asked for on 14 January 2007, but the BMW salesman never called me back, so I bought the first Lexus instead.

:: Saturday, July 21, 2012 ::

The accident repair garage phoned yesterday, and said that the car had been sorted this time, and had passed all quality inspections. He used the word "perfect" even. He said that the car would be returned this morning.

And this morning, they delivered the car, as promised. It didn't arrive on a lorry though, the man drove it up. I recognise him as one of the previous lorry drivers. He says he parked around the corner and drove it up. Obviously he's been warned not to give me time to scribble all over his delivery sheet before he can put all his ramps up and put away his tie straps.

Just as well… The orange peel effect is completely unchanged, bits of the car still look like, well, an orange!

Worse than that, though, is that, in attempting to remove the one or two swirly bits that were left after their previous 3 attempts, they have polished the whole car and left the whole thing swirly. This photo shows the back edge of the bonnet and wing, and believe me, it's difficult to capture, in a photo, how bad the car looks in reality. It looks like it has been polished with a brillo pad. It's all right if it's not sunny though, or as long as I (literally) don't look at the bright side.

This was supposed to be their very best effort, Chief Exec breathing down their neck and all. Either (a) they are absolutely fucking useless and wouldn't recognise "quality control" if it bit them on the arse, or (b) they are just taking the piss. It has to be (b) - it just has to be…

I fire off another email to the Chief Exec's department telling him all this, and asking what I do next. I honestly don't know - I am not handing it back to them, but I don't want anybody else to fix it either because that lets the useless wriggling bastards off the hook if I need to call on the 5-year repair guarantee (I thought the 5 years referred to the durability of the repair, not to how long it would take them to get it bleeding right). I do mention the "mockery and publicity" option, but at the end of the day, that doesn't get the car fixed.

:: Monday, July 23, 2012 ::

Much to my surprise, the manager at the garage calls me first thing this morning (before "opening hours" for the Chief Exec's office), to check that the car is OK now. He sounds really surprised when I say it's not. He checked it, and the QA man checked it in bright sun on Friday, even moving it to change the angle, and they couldn't see any problem. He doesn't believe that I have a photo that shows it - there is no way it can be bad enough to show in a photo.

I email him the photo.

He calls me back to say that he sees what I mean.

He offers to send out an independent detailer, that they use sometimes, on a sunny day. Might wait long enough considering the amount of rain that has fallen over the last 2 months! The detailer will call and arrange a suitable time, when the sun is out. The manager assures me that they will sort this out.

Reluctant as I am, I have to give them this one last chance.

Then I phone the Chief Exec's dept to tell them this, and not to go in guns blazing after the email I sent on Saturday. She sounds disappointed.

:: Thursday, September 13, 2012 ::

Today I phone the insurance company about the Lexus' paint finish. I haven't been able to organise the "sunny day inspection and repair" they wanted, so nothing has happened for 2 months. I tell them that it doesn't need to be sunny to see the orange peel effect, but I don't want to hand it back to them, because they are fucking useless (in fact, they fall considerably short of a standard that could be described, even in a moment of unwarranted graciousness, as "fucking useless"). If they were to really focus on quality control and customer care, they might one day aspire to join the ranks of those who are only as bad as "fucking useless".

At the same time, I don't want to have it repaired anywhere else, and give the useless twits the excuse of backing out of the 5-year warranty on the bodywork repairs. What to do…

:: Wednesday, September 26, 2012 ::

Welcome to today's instalment of "The Victor Meldrew Chronicles".

I decided that I had better tell RBS Insurance what I intend to do about the accident repair to the Lexus. Let's not mess around with the various departments again though, let's fire this off to the Chief Executive again. So I sent him this email:

Dear Mr Geddes

I refer to my email to you on 12 July, which was being dealt with first by xxxxxxxx, and then by xxxxxxxxxxxx in your Customer Relations. She has dealt with my complaint very efficiently, and I have to thank her for her assistance in getting the original garage, UK Assistance in Glasgow, to pay any attention.

Rather than set out a long history of this, here's the beef:

(i) Privilege did not offer me a choice of repair garages, nor did they make it clear that they were effectively channeling business to another RBS business. I was misled.

(ii) The car has now been returned to them 4 times now since the original repair. Yes, that's 5 attempts in total to get it right. And each time it has come back with the same number of faults at it had when it went in - some of them unfixed, some of them new faults that have appeared while in their care.

(iii) When I complained at first (before I wrote to you) Privilege sent out their own "independent" engineer to inspect the vehicle. That "independent" engineer has a UK Assist email address. It is difficult to see how his "independence" can possibly be in my best interests.

(iv) When the car was returned last time (on 21 July), it had 2 main defects:

(a) The car had been polished, but very very badly. This had been pointed out to them on each occasion before, and had largely been eliminated, but had recurred on this final attempt. The result was a "swirly" finish that was evident in sunlight (and evident to me before the car was even unloaded from the lorry delivering it back to me, despite UK Assist having supposedly "quality-checked" it in detail before releasing it).

(b) the second defect, which has been there throughout, was that areas of the new paint had an "orange peel" effect. This can be caused by various faults in surface preparation or workmanship, including applying too much paint too thickly, or applying too much lacquer too thickly. I had pointed this out on every occasion the car had been returned, and to the "independent" engineer above, AND to an employee of UK Assist who had been sent out separately to sort one of the original defects. And yet still, I get it back each time, exactly the same.

(v) After that last attempt, when the car was returned to me on 21 July, I was understandably not too happy. xxxxxxxxxxx made that clear to UK Assist, and their manager put me in touch with a car detailer (that's a polisher in real English) to meet on "a sunny day" when these swirl marks would be most obvious.

Unfortunately, we're in Scotland during the wettest summer on record since Noah was a boy, so sunny days have not been too frequent. However, we agreed to meet on 9 August, when the weather forecast was good.

Unfortunately, my wife died that morning, so I had other things on my mind, so told the valeter we would have to leave it for a bit. I think we are now out of "sunny days" for this year though.

Confession time. My aim in meeting the valeter wasn't to sort the swirl marks - it was mainly to get him to start polishing out the orange peel effect. When (not if, but when) he realised that they won't polish out, I intended to return to UK Assist to ask what they proposed to do now. You don't need a "sunny day" to see the orange peel - it's obvious.

I also know an independent body shop specialist. A proper one - the grandson of the man who started the business 100 years ago, building bodies on to the earliest car chassis, or on to horse-drawn trailers. He's a friend, but probably not as close to me as your "independent engineer" is to UK Assist. He spotted these paint faults before I even told him the car had been in an accident. That's how obviously substandard the paint job is.

However, life is, as I have become aware, all too short, and I am not wasting any more of mine, trying to get any sense out of UK Assist. I wouldn't trust them to paint my house number on my wheely bin, far less achieve a decent finish on a car. At least the chimps on the PG Tips adverts were entertaining. I can only suggest that they should seek sponsorship from Specsavers.

Where does that leave me? I'm not giving the car back to UK Assist. That is a definite. Not a chance. I can almost live with it as it is, if I half-close my eyes when I walk up to it. God only knows how it might come back next time.

If I get it repaired elsewhere, I can foresee disputes between two garages in the event of any future problem, negating any future benefits of the "5-year repair guarantee" (5 minutes would be an improvement on their current capability). That's not an option either.

My only option, it would appear, is to accept the repair as it is now. It looks fine when it's raining - partly because the rain hides the paint finish, and partly because you don't want to stand around in the rain, looking at it. It also looks fine when it's dirty, so as long as I don't wash it, it'll be fine. I'm sure. Yes, it will be.

UK Assist are very lucky boys. I can't even be bothered starting a "name and shame" campaign. Despite their incompetence and indifference, and downright lies, they are off the hook. For the moment.

I am still considering contacting the FSA, given UK Insurance's previous record and fine, for failing to deal with (or in some cases, even fully disclose) customer complaints. The lesson hasn't been learnt, apparently.

Nevertheless, following this experience, and the indifference originally demonstrated by both Privilege and UK Assist, I will not be renewing my insurance with any RBS insurance group company next year, unless the premium is "zero" and that's as likely as, well, something extremely unlikely (like a decent paint finish out of UK Assist Glasgow, for example). Please ensure that there is no mention, in the renewal notice, of "auto-renew" in any shape or form. To be clear, I will not be calling to cancel any "auto-renew by default". If the policy is automatically renewed against this specific instruction, UK Insurance or whichever of their subsidiaries will refund me the whole premium plus another 100% of that premium as compensation. I cannot make that any clearer (well I can but I'm being polite).

Thanks once again to xxxxxxxx for her help. Unfortunately, even she is ultimately reliant on the people at the local customer-facing end, and they are simply not capable of providing any acceptable level of customer service.

Kind Regards